Fancy Dresses and an Empty Heart

And so it happens yet again, a voicemail from none other than my mother, screeching into the phone that I will never believe who she has run into, never ever believe, and I must call her back this instance so she can tell me who I will never believe she ran into. You get the point right. Getting extremely excited that she has run into an old friend I have been trying to get in touch with I quickly call her back. My mother answers still screeching in an extremely high tone, “You will never ever guess in a million years who I just ran into” and then it happens once again like so many other times. I now want to crawl in a whole big enough for my two boxers and myself. Why me? Why does she insist on these phone calls? As I am sure you can guess by this point she has not run into an old friend I have been searching for she has run into and ex, and ex I was supposed to marry I may add. Not only did she run into an ex but also she ran into him while he was holding his beautiful 2-year-old daughter. Here comes the lecture I can feel it, it usually goes a little something like this. “I am getting so old, when am I ever going to be a grandmother? Don’t you want to get married and have babies? Don’t you want to be a mom? Don’t you want me to be around to help you take care of your babies? I am getting so old and all I want is grandbabies and NOT ones with fur and four legs, a real baby. You don’t even have to get married anymore just have a baby” This goes on and on really every single time we speak I hear about how she wants babies.

It made me think, is it unacceptable to be 31, single, and in no rush to have a family? I mean I am sure that if I still lived back in RI I would most likely be married and probably have at least one child. But I have since moved far far away to la la land, literally. Where it seems like almost no one is in a healthy relationship and I hardly ever see real children, unless they are on TV. I also have to add that there is not a thing wrong with anyone who is married with children but when did it become not Ok to not be one of them? I mean I am living my life doing the things I love to do and trying to make all my dreams come true. But then I sit and wonder when do I stop? At what point in my life do I stop and say ok this isn’t happening for me and will it be to late? When I was at Miss USA in 2003 one of the judges in my interview asked me

“ In 10 years when you look back at your life what will be your biggest accomplishment?”

My answer without a doubt in my head

“ Being a mom”

 Not the answer they were looking for of course, but it was what I truly thought would be my biggest accomplishment. Well its almost 10 years later and I’m still not a mom, nor am I even close to being a mom or getting married. So I wonder, my life has clearly changed paths, but when will be I willing to walk away from the dream, or will I, or will I be one of the lucky ones who gets to have both.

I love my life and would not trade it in for anything. I work my tail off for everything that I have and can do as I please. I have two amazing dogs that keep me grounded and friends that love me for who I am even if I am tough to love sometimes. Whether I fail or succeed doesn’t matter at this point because I’m still in the game. But I often wonder how long will that be enough for and when will I want more? Will it be there when I’m ready or will I have let it slip away and will I be left with nothing but fancy dresses, expensive shoes, and an empty heart?

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